The Key to a New Start
By Rob Jones

In January last year, my son Luke (22) was tragically killed in an industrial accident. As I write this article I am very much in the midst of grief. Some days I am quite fine but others I am in an emotional turmoil and not very productive. But that’s ok! I now know that I need to stay with the pain until it has taught me what I need to learn.

Let me explain: Some time ago, I watched a father play with his two young children on the oval near my home. They were practising hurdles, and clearly dad was excited. His son did a marvellous job on the first two leaps but fell at the third, badly grazing his knees. His father ran to help. “It’s not that bad. Pull yourself together. Come on, you’re not going to cry like a baby?”

His son’s face said it all. What he wanted was a masculine embrace and assurance, but what he received was a lesson in pain and grief most of us were taught. He was learning that it is not safe to express one’s feelings and pain – especially with other men; to suppress and push down his feelings and emotions, and put on a brave face. What’s more, he was being taught to disassociate from his pain and not invest in a vocabulary to articulate it.

Now please hear me. I do not believe for a moment that his father did not love him. His father merely communicated what he was taught and how he deals with his pain and grief. This is how most men today are taught to cope with pain and grief.

It was interesting to watch the father later on when his daughter also fell over. The father ran to her aid, picked her up and asked her where it hurt. “Let daddy kiss it better.”  Society says it’s acceptable for a girl to show feelings and express her pain, but men are somehow required to just get over it!

I have pastored and counselled men long enough to know that much anger is really unprocessed pain and grief. What is unresolved and suppressed is transmitted, usually onto the ones they love. What worked before, no longer helps. The more they try to solve the problem, the more the grieving process falters. Eventually after much struggle and collateral damage, men shut down and go numb.

Once men reach the end of their own resources, they become free to move towards the next step in grief work – the weeping mode. Here the sheer magnitude of what has happened starts to come home. The sadness. The loss. The thought of not seeing a son again this side of heaven. Feelings and emotions run amuck. Depression, rage, thoughts of suicide, the futility of life.

This is a normal part of the grief process and it helps to be in a safe, nonjudgmental space where men can be encouraged to stay with the pain. For many, after a lifetime of solving problems, to just sit with it all and not fix it, is very counter intuitive. Most want the pain fixed now. Wise counsel is to wait until it has taught you what it wants to teach you. Healthy grief work, in most cases, will usher men in to a deeper walk with themselves, God and others. They develop a vocabulary for their feelings, pain and emotions. Grief work is complete when men can stop blaming, even themselves.

I miss my son terribly, and the pain is at times unbearable. Nothing will bring him back. So this side of heaven, I hold onto the One who is faithful and all-knowing, and I keep connected to my loving faith community. Today is dark, but one day the sun will shine again.

About Rob Jones
Rob is the founding director of Men Transforming Men Australia. MTM is a not for profit charity that provides counselling, spiritual direction, facilitated groups and Men’s Rites of Passage for men and their families in Brisbane Australia.
In Tasmania, contact Phil Harback at Directions Tas.